Ironically, no matter what functionality we add, it's just as fast.

How lame is it that there's not one, but two nonfunctional progress bars doing nothing on the wikipedia page for progress bars? Ironically, I think that captures the spirit of this stick figure comic better than anything: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progress_bar

Progress bars are better classified as a subclass of progress indicators...you know, splash screens, pointers, spinning wait indicators (which have been mocked on Family Guy), and the spinning hourglass, which is the archetype for all others: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progress_indicator

But my favorite is "The Throbber!":  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Throbber.  I think that's the one they use most often on porn sites.

Snarky: She said she was tracking page latency by timing the progress bar.
Title: Ironically, no matter what functionality we add, it's just as fast.